And the world keeps spinning

Sometimes the world spins at a rate that really and truely makes your head spin and your heart ache. The past almost year has been an amazing year.

My son, Skylar David Carper was born into this world November 6th, 2017 at 3:35am. Weighing in at 6 pounds 10 ounces and 19 inches long. He's such a perfect man, he is. Now he is almost 7 months old and is amazing he's able to sit up by himself and is in his rear facing big boy car seat, because he's so massive to carry around in his carrier car seat (and his feet were hanging out). Scarlet was able to adjust to being a big sister very well. She's amazing with him. Pictures to follow of my beautiful family.
I will, however be transitioning this blog from me bitching about life's battles to more of a writing blog (with some updates and bitching in between).

with love and a family of 4.
xoxo

Change is What Helps the World Move Forward

This past few months have been a whirlwind of emotion, love, stress, paper work, and did I mention love?

Scarlet will be 16 months on the second.. Where did the time go? She started walking right around a month ago and she's doing SOO good. I'm so proud of her and her human legs. She has to be the smartest most beautiful girl I know. I keep saying, she's got her daddy's smarts and her momma's looks, she's going to dominate the world.
These past two months, though, I've been working on getting approved for Scarlet and I's first apartment. This morning  I signed the correct paperwork and have my keys in hand for our apartment. It's so perfect for Scarlet and I. It's a small 2 bedroom 1.5 bath but it's perfect for us. I'm so happy she and I can finally actually unpack. For me it's been working on two years of couch hopping and every few months finding somewhere new to stay. Now? We're home.
Such an amazing feeling that most people take for granted.
A home. A steady place to lay your head and just spread out in.

Joseph and I are doing really well. We've been working on building our relationship to where we need  it to be again. We've had quite a few speed bumps but I'm hopeful that if we're both willing to try, that we'll come out just fine in the end.

This is my finial week at Health Markets, I started my other job at Wake Side Marine a few weeks back and Health Markets is beginning to not work out so I'm moving to other opportunities but not burning bridges. Silas and I both agreed that this wasn't working but that he still wanted to keep me around for side jobs like helping filing at his home and mailers and stuff like that.

I also started my sleeve a few months back as well, only two pieces but it's getting there, and with my baby arms they will be full in no time. On my forearm I have a Hamsa Hand, which is pretty much a form of protection, it helps bring the owner happiness, luck, health, and good fortune, and on my wrist next to my little heart, I put the word Time, to just simply remind myself that everything takes time.

When you think the world is out to get you, and you feel like not getting out of bed or just giving up. Just remind yourself that every heartbreak, every bad day and every thing that goes "wrong" in your life, is just getting you ready for a blessing.


Feeling amazing.
xoxo

Christmas is in the air FINALLY!

It's amazing and finally December and we have only had one really good now this season thus far. With threats of snow, yet nothing stinking unfortunately.
This Thanksgiving went as expected with the love of my life. I spent my Thanksgiving with my Joseph and Scarlet, balancing the holiday between mine and his families. I didn't know how much I was missing not having a person I truly care about for the holidays. I LOVED splitting my holiday.
The love I have for this amazing man honestly makes my mind spin. He is currently not been with me  this week but Scarlet, Amanda and I have been watching over the house to make sure it's okay. I've talked to him daily, and he seems okay, just ready to come home to us.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, from what I've heard, and I've never QUITE believed this until I've had to experience it this week.
Being in love is such a wonderful feeling. And being in love with your best friend? It's like you're on cloud nine.
Now I finally have my desk at the store front at my insurance job and I love it. I quit Hooters because making $45 for a 9hr shift is so unacceptable. I'm an hourly babe. Serving isn't my thing I guess.

I'm tired and have writers block.

xoxox

The feelings abundant

Sitting here at lunch at work I'm trying my hardest to keep a positive vibe and it's getting harder and harder as the days and the minutes go by.. The night it all happened keeps replaying in my mind and I can't seem to make it stop.. Its me either blog and get out my feelings or break down at work and no one has time for a emotional break down at work.
I'm trying to focus on the positive things in my life like Scarlet growing and my two amazing jobs. There is only really so much a woman can take without breaking..
My body is sore. My mind is exhausted and emotions are drained.

Chilly, Dewy mornings

They have always been a sign that Fall is in the air.
Waking up, sipping my coffee and looking out into the chilly morning air, hearing the gallop of the horses in the neighbor's yard, you can't help but just feel happy about the changing of the season. Yes, almost everyone I know who lives here in Northern Indiana bitches, moans and complains when it starts to get cold, but moving from home and living in Florida for a few years honestly has made me realize how thankful I am for the season change. Florida is such a monotonous state, it's either too hot, or raining.. Don't get me wrong being able to be in a bikini almost year round was amazing! But me, personally? I love the snow. It brings out a happiness that starts form my belly and just kind of takes over..
I remember my first snow last year; It was November and I was at my boyfriend at the time's house. I just sat at the window and watched it all fall ever so eloquently.. I was pregnant at the time but it was so magical to just see how gracefully it just fluttered and gently coated the ground. Oye! I can't wait for the chillier weather and the snow!
Scarlet will be walking by the time the snow falls and I'm so excited to be able to take her outside and play in the snow with her! I still can't wrap my head around how she'll be 9 months next Friday.. Where in the hell did the time go? Being that wonderful little girl's mommy has to be my favorite job. I kind of feel like my mom in that aspect; I love being a mom, and if I do say so myself, I'm getting pretty good at it! I'm honestly looking forward for another one in the future.
*side note* I can hear Scarlet snoring downstairs and I'm upstairs in the kitchen...........
I'm going to try and get some studying in before my baby girl wakes up; I'm trying my hardest to get this Insurance License, it's defiantly not easy.




'on my grind'
xoxoxo

Amongst the Rubble

there's always a flower,
there always is a sunshine,
there always is a light at the end of a tunnel,
and there always is a positive side to everything,

The past month has been kind of a weird, kind of a rough month. I am now working TWO very well paying jobs and taking care of my Scarlet. I'm working as an Assistant at an insurance company by day and by night *and weekends* I'm a Hooter's Girl. It's weird how I get fired from one job that doesn't pay well and treats their employees poorly, to two amazing opportunities. I'll be making enough money to have a house for Scarlet and I here in the VERY soon future. The simple fact that I'm even able to afford our own place is so exciting and just inciting to be as successful as possible.. Yes, I will inevitably miss something with Scarlet's development but being that she's crawling and starting to pull herself up on stuff; the next thing is walking but she's just now starting to 'truck' while crawling so we've got a little bit.
Scarlet is almost 9 months old I really can't believe she graced my life almost 9 months ago.. It feels like just yesterday she was born. She's such a wonderful blessing. She makes me feel like I have the whole world sitting on my lap *where she is currently*. She is the reason behind everything I do. She got to see her daddy in Chicago when he graduated Navy boot camp and we Skype as often as possible. I know he misses her.. I can see it in his face when we Skype and SnapChat. I really am grateful he's her dad. He's a wonderful young man.
In the regards of relationships; Joseph and I, as of right this second are "on a break" - his choice, not mine. And I'm not quite sure what a weeks worth of 'thinking' can do if your mind is already made up but for him; I'm willing to wait. We're talking tonight as adults and we'll see if I'll be giving his key back or really whats going on.. I hope he's not going anywhere but I can at least say proudly I didn't do a single thing wrong in the relationship except allow my heart to feel things I've never allowed it to feel. I let my walls crumble and my heart to fly.. So that's that.

Amongst the rubble of my confusing and chaotic life I do still have a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I learned where you should replace "I don't have time" with "It's not a priority" it brings everything into view. You should try it.. It makes a difference.

With a wall of a thousand hopes;
xoxoxoxoxo

He replied "I want to love you"

It's amazing to me and blows my mind how much love is gifted to you when you just begin to accept what the universe gives you.

Scarlet is already pushing eight months.. Can you believe it? This little gift of life has been on this fucked up world for 33 weeks! She's sitting up all by herself *with help* and loves to stand.. *also with help*. We have this blanket we put on the ground for her to play on, now? She claims the whole floor. She's crawling backwards and saying Mama and Dada. She's got two teeth poppin through too! B is in the Navy and graduating boot camp here in a few short weeks. Scar is going.. Mommy is not. I don't feel it's my place to go to his graduation.

This man.. Joseph Carper has opened my eyes to so much.. He's making me feel as if there IS a person on this earth that will understand me, my mood swings, my way of talking, my trying to be funny, who will accept me and my daughter as a package. He makes me feel so wonderful and so comfortable with our relationship. We both haven't had someone to call our boy/girlfriend in quite some time and I'm thankful he's mine. He loves and accepts my Scarlet and wants a future with both of us. He wants a FUTURE not just a few month thing.. He wants me/us for the foreseeable future. I honestly can't wrap my head around our relationship.. Yes it's unorthodox how we ended up together but I feel like he entered my life at the most perfect time. He's so unexpected the majority of the time.. The way he makes me feel and the way he looks at me the majority of the time amazes me. It makes me think 'How did I get so lucky?'. I think it every day.. I wonder if he thinks that.. I'm not going to lie, my feelings for him scare the shit out of me. Yesterday he said "I just want you to love me".. little does he know.. I'm more than halfway there.

This past Monday I got my Wisdom Teeth out.. I much rather would have had another baby then to freaking go through that stupid shit again.

This post is short and sweet.. I've kinda got writers block..
with love
xoxo

Life Evolving

It's already March and the weatherman is predicting a high of 50 this coming Wednesday. The promise of warmer weather in the near future is so hopeful. You can't help but walk with a bit more of a pep in your step. The idea of witnessing the changing of the season that I've missed the past 4 years I'm so excited for. I keep flashing back to my childhood with all the windows open in the house and the fresh spring air whipping around the house. It's so refreshing. There is no smell or feeling like spring!
Scarlet is already two months old and 9 pounds! She's growing so fast it's unbelievable, I feel every time she naps she wakes up bigger and better with more control of everything. She's starting to use her neck muscles more, which means she's starting to look around and absorb her wonderful world around her. She's still in a few of her newborn clothes but I'm okay with that because I know that size wise she will be smaller than most every other baby. She's perfect to me and as healthy as a horse and that's really all that matters. She's also starting to smile at me and honestly it warms my cold, brittle heart. I can't wait till she's a bit older and can hold her head up on her own and start rolling over and all of that jazz. I know, I know, I don't her to grow up too fast but those are going to be exciting days.
I started a new job at Coconut Tan, a local tanning salon and I really like it. I know that I'm making money for Scarlet and I and I can finally start paying my bills without any help. My separation anxiety hasn't really been all that bad. The first night of work I was so nervous and ready to get back to my baby, now, I'm okay. As horrible as this will sound, it's nice to get away for a while. I also think it's so much easier because I know I'm making money for us. I also am in cohorts with another job and he's already talking about a management opportunity so that would be suuuuper awesome, but I'll let yall know about that if and when that happens!

With a hopeful heart and wonderful daughter
xoxoxo

A Whole New Beginning

"New Year, New Me" that is what everyone seems to rant and rave come the first of the year, every year with seldom any real change.
2014 was one hell of a year for me. It brought so much heartache, love and things to be thankful for I don't think we have enough time to even begin. I will, instead focus on the now, being that that IS all that matters anymore.

I brought in 2015 in on the best note I could have EVER asked for, but lets rewind and talk about the pregnancy. Come week 36 the doctors told me that I was considered a "High Risk Pregnancy" and that they'll "have to keep an eye on everything". What does that mean you ask? I was scheduled for an Ultrasound every week along with NSTs (Non-Stress Tests) to monitor Scarlet and make sure she's moving around okay, in my tummy and doing the things a baby that far along should be doing. On the day of my week 38 Ultrasound I was told they are going to have to induce me in the next three days and no longer.. I asked why and I was informed that Scarlet had stopped gaining weight and that she was actually losing weight and that there may be something wrong with the Amniotic Sac she's in. Inner Uterine Growth Restriction, that is what she was diagnosed with.. Obviously terrified and slightly excited I started calling and texting everyone saying SURPRISE! Well, while everyone else was busy being hungover or cleaning up after the party from New Years Eve the night before, I was on my way to the hospital, scheduled to be induced at 8:30 that morning.
It took almost a full 24 hours before she finally decided it was time to come out. 7:21 the morning of January 2nd, 2015 Scarlet May McLane all 5 Pounds and 18.5 Inches of her arrived in this bright and cold world and I fell utterly head over heals in love.
Loving a child is like a love I can't even begin to describe. It's like feeling the warm sun on your face after a bone chilling winter. It's like coming home after being away for some time.
I don't believe I have ever been so proud of something I've been a part of until I look at my beautiful daughter. She really is my everything and so much more. I really and truly can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.

With love and a hopeful mind

xoxo

Sometimes keeping your head up is just what you need to do

It's been a roller coaster the past month.
The happiness I found a month ago was taken from me far too quickly, and caused me to kind of have a downward spiral into my depression. For some reason the short time I was with him, made me feel like everything was going to be okay. He made me believe that he wanted to help with Scarlet and be a part of her life and then up and leaves to go back to his ex. Now, with me chasing him, I'm no longer good enough. I really don't think that I will ever understand how men's minds work. Another thing I really and truly don't understand; we were together for a few short weeks yet I grew so very attached to him.
My depression, as I mentioned before has been fully taking charge in my life lately. Trying to stay positive when I am now out of a job, no longer have a man in our lives, and are in reality out of a home, it's really discouraging. I talked to my doctor about my depression she said all of the things I already know to do to help fight my depression and then suggested for me to go talk to someone about whats going on *like a therapist*. What do I tell him/her? I'm a 19 year old single mother who really just wants to be loved and shown affection but can't seem to be good enough for anyone or anything? How I'm terrified that I'm not going to be a good mother that will be able to provide for her daughter? How I'm scared that postpartum is going to kick me in the face and I wont be able to take care of her properly?
Why do I have such a dependability on men being in my life to make me happy? I don't understand why my mind works like this.
Scarlet is doing okay still, I hope. My doctor told me that I'm measuring slightly smaller than I should be so she scheduled an ultrasound for my next doctors appointment to make sure everything is still going okay. I'm not gonna lie, it most definitely is making me worry about how she's growing in there.. I just want to be told everything is going fabulously and that my daughter is healthy inside me. I mean but I need to stay positive about her health because she really is all I have. It's just Scarlet and I against the world.
Today I am 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant and getting ever so uncomfortable. 

Trying my hardest to be a hopeful mommy
xo


P.s. I guess my title of my blog is fairly relevant to my life, huh?

Always lead with your heart

And when you're pregnant.. Your tummy. Today is 31 weeks and 3 days in my pregnancy.. And I'm finally starting to show. I feel her move all of the time and even though sometimes it's aggravating, it's amazing to know that I'm making life inside of me..
I've been working alot lately and I'm oddly okay with it. The pay sucks really bad but you know what? I'm finally making some money and I'll be able to pay off my debts.
Many good things have been happening in my life the past few weeks and I dont want jinx them or I'd say what's going on..
Scarlet and I have a doctor appointment this week Wednesday. I'll be posting a picture of my belly this Wednesday (which will be 32 weeks) I cant believe I only have roughly 8 weeks to get my shit in gear..

With so much love.
xoxo

Five Years

Today was the first time I've seen snow in 5 years and I couldn't have had a more fabulous day. I woke up to snow coming down and coffee brewing. The past few weeks have been stressful yet eye opening. Realizing I have people here for me that actually want me around and truly care for me and my daughter, it's so refreshing. I work 28 hours in 3 days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) and honestly havnt been more content. Money isn't all that great but it will pay my bills *and debts*. 

I've noticed my outlook on most everything has changed so drastically the past few weeks and it's refreshing. 

I'm so thankful. 

With a hopeful and a thankful soul. 

Xoxoxo

Some People

Some people work out all of the time and have progression pictures as to how fit they are becoming, these are my progression pictures with my darling Scarlet May. Oh, by the way! IT'S A GIRL! In order these pictures go as follows; 22 Weeks, 22 Weeks 5 Days, 23 Weeks, 24 Weeks 5 Days, 25 Weeks and 26 Weeks. They're kind of sporadic but I'll start doing them weekly so we don't have random days on the progression pictures. She is growing well according to the doctors and I'm gaining enough weight so that's awesome. I'm STILL looking for a job that will hire me being so pregnant I never realized how much people discriminate pregnant women. I'm trying to keep my head up and my mind positive but every time something good happens, something or someone crushes all of my positive vibes I'm trying so desperately to keep up. I'm just thankful that I have a happy healthy baby inside me that kicks me so very often. I really cannot wait to meet her. I know it's all just a rough patch and that Scarlet and I, at the end of the tunnel, will see a light.
I've been at the the library the past three days in hopes that I will get swarms of interview calls and I've only had one. I just really need to keep my head up and think positively.

It's crazy how the moments that you need your best friends are the moments they're pissed at you and want nothing to do with you. Being told that pretty much nothing you're doing is right and that I'm illequipped.. Yes I know I'm illequipped.. Thank you for reminding me. It's fine I really am use to doing much of everything on my own. Why make this any different?
I really can't wait to meet this beautiful girl inside of me. I think she will completely rock my world and several different ways, some may be good, some may be bad. I'm so excited to see what the future has in store for us.


xoxo
trying so very hard to stay positive.

Welcome September

Everyone loves the upcoming months here in the Midwest, the sweaters, the tall socks and boots start coming back out of storage. (The cute boots, the ones you wouldn't dare to wear in snow) I feel like it's been such a long time since I've seen September or any of the cold, wonderful winter months. The past few years I've been in Florida for these wonderful months. No changing of the leaves, no real gradual cool off, it's hot as shit one day, and freezing cold the next. Here in the Midwest it's so wonderful and gradual, the leaves start falling, the grass starts dying and spirits are reluctant to give up the warmth yet are hopeful for Christmas and New Years.
You see, I am very excited for the winter months, the further we get into the winter months the closer I get to meet my baby (January 14). I say bring on the cold! It's been so long since I've seen snow or the leaves change color I'm anxious to see the change!
Slowly everything is working to get into place. I have a job at Zumiez, its this cute little surf shop in the mall. All of my paper work for Medicaid is turned in and I'm just waiting for the government to get their ass in gear and approve it so I can get into the doctor! I've applied for a few housing apartments and I'm anxious to sleep in my own bed.
Baby News; Well baby is being very very active in there. I make it a point to talk and rub my belly every day. It's honestly amazing talking to your belly and your baby kicking you after you say something. It's such a great feeling that baby hasn't even met you yet and baby knows that you're mommy and you're the best thing since pumpkin pie (the feeling is COMPLEATLY mutual).
Spiritual News; My dear friend Carrie Ford has opened my eyes to a lot since being home and being reunited with her. I've been learning about Auras, Shakras, Pendulum Readings and different energies that different things carry like stones. I've invested in 3 things to help with my personal aura and energy; I have a stick of sage to help get rid of any negative energies in the apartment (and my body), I have a pendulum to help me communicate with my Spirit Guides and the Universe, and I have a bracelet made of Moon Stone and Onyx. Moon Stone is to help with pregnancy. and Onyx is to help ward any negative. Upon asking Carrie's pendulum who my Spirit Guides are, we saw that Matthew DeFreeuw, my late cousin who took his like at a young age is one of my Guides and knowing that made me feel so amazing to know that he's been with me even though we weren't as close as I once hoped that we'd be.
I think that this is all I need to report on, baby is kicking and I'm beginning to realize I'm getting hungry (when am I not nowadays)


With love and hope.
xoxo

I feel that everything just keeps changing

I moved home a week ago, (home meaning Indiana) and I honestly couldn't be happier. I have my family back and the only thing I'm missing right now is a job and a place to call my own. I have to pretty much restart completely and it's stressful but I think I'm up for the challenge.. I told myself that if I don't have a job in a week that something's wrong but if we're thinking about this logically a week is a really short time to get a job and an apartment.. But on the other hand I've been out of work for going on three weeks and I'm running low on funds and I'm beginning to freak out a bit.. I've never been out of work for so long I'm starting to get restless..
Today is one of those days that you just sit and listen to the rain and watch sappy movies but today I'm taking today by the balls and applying for Medicaid, WIC, Government Aid, I'm also looking for low income housing and a Job.. I believe I'll be in the library for a little bit but I want to get this stuff done so I can start my own life here already..
Baby is doing great and I'm actually starting to show a bit.. But being that I've always been so tiny its really not that surprising that I'm starting to show, It's not a big bump but it's a little something something and it's kind of cute.. Next week would have been baby's third check-up but I don't think that it's going to happen this week.. I hope that everything is okay in there.. I'm sure it is, baby and I have been eating so well here and there's just so much love that people have for baby already it's honestly just amazing.. Aunt Emmy was so excited to see me and hear about baby and I'm so glad to have her back in my life..


well, back to getting back on my feet!




With Wishful Thinking and a Growing Baby Bump

More changes

I know that it's been a while since I've blogged. A lot has changed in my life. Recently I found out I am pregnant and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and entering my second trimester of my pregnancy. My life was turned upsidown when I found out I was pregnant. The past few weeks has been a roller coaster ride but I wouldn't have had it any other way (other than the baby daddy drama). I've been searching for a new job, new apartment, new roommate, I'm trying to get into school for a career in fashion merchising and now things for a baby. I'm freaked out I'm a momma but honestly I'm happy. It's weird to know that I have a baby inside of me at the young age of 19 but this baby happened for a reason (other than me being a horney teenager).

I already have a game plan for us; mommy is going to school and when baby is around one maybe two and depending on how school is going and how money is coming in, baby and I are moving to New York. I can get a good job at a magazine and just give baby the life I've always wanted. 

Everything revolves around this little fruit inside my tummy and I'm learning to be less selfiesh and it's refreshing. 

With so much love. 

Realization

Waiting two weeks; being verbally abused pretty much everyday. Overly caring about someone who really couldn't care about theirselves well being, today is the day I cut it off. Last night at work, I had a friend of mine come in telling me that whatever I have going on to break it off because they are bad news. And I realized. They really are. I've had my depression go into a low just from them and my self worth has went into an all time low. We all have demons. But why take your said demons out on the person you supposedly care about? Realizing that you're better than the abuse and neglect and the future infidelity may make you upset and lonely right now but in the long run. In the long run I feel I will be the happiest.

With hope and balls. 

Lust

I just can't seem to win at anything. 

I can't ever stay happy. I can't seem to find out what's going on with me. Is it me? Or is it him?

Extremes

It's crazy when someone can make you go from one extreme to the next.
You can go from utter happiness to complete sadness.
Maybe there's a lot of things I need to fix, no, I know that I have to fix a lot of things in my life to make myself and others happy. I'm always so busy and focused on making others happy when I get to my low point it's the lowest of the low.
Sunlight, I've heard can actually help with feelings of sadness.
It's been raining and gross the past few days and it's honestly getting to me in the worst of ways.
I'm pushing away people I don't want to push away and it sucks.


Happiness where are you?

Insomnia At Her Finest

I have yet to be asleep and it is 7:15 in the morning. 

Listening to this big berrly man snore up a storm makes me laugh. 

If sounds so painful. 

I wish I knew what was going on in my mind to prevent me from sleeping even a wink..

What am I stressing? 

Is he sleeping next to me?

I'm sure that's what it is. 

I've grown far too attached to this wonderfully helpless man way too quickly. 

Insomia and I have always been rivals but I'm not sure why she's back..