Saturday, July 9, 2016

Every high has its lows

The past few months have been a whirl wind of love.
Speaking of love, Scarlet, shes doing amazing. She just had her 18 month doctors appointment and she's doing amazingly. She scared me there for a little Joe and I had to take her to the ER because she was having breathing complications and was wheezing really bad so we took her in, she ended up having to get 2 different breathing treatments and we spent the upwards of 5 hours in the ER with her. The nurses and doctors told us that we needed to stay that long just to make sure there weren't any complications with the breathing treatment. She ended up being okay after the breathing treatments and not a month later, she got Hand Foot and Mouth, from daycare (I'm assuming). If you don't know what Hand, Foot and Mouth is, its a virus that babies from 6 months to 5 years old. It causes a rash, sores in the mouth and boils to form on our little's body. I noticed that Scarlet's toes were starting to peel, so I brought it to the attention of her pediatrician and she informed me that it is a side effect of this virus is peeling of the feet and also she could loose toenails. No sign of toenail loss yet and fingers crossed she keeps all of those little piggies. She's 32 inches tall and weighs 27 pounds and 9 ounces.She's perfect.

Joseph and I are back to the lovey, disgusting way we should have been all this time. Loving him has made me realize so much about myself as a person, a mom and a human as a whole. The past month, though has been kind of tough. Joe went to jail back in December for a traffic violation and we've been dealing with that for months now. About a month and a half back, he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing in the first place, got pulled over and ended up back in jail.We knew it was a possibility he'd end up back in just for all of this bullshit but it's starting to take a toll on my mind set and my inner peace I had going.Not saying anything about my feelings for him, more talking about how I'm ready for us to focus on our family and not this legal stuff anymore.I have, I hope only a week left and then I'll have him home with Scarlet and I where he belongs, not with all of the trash in jail. I wrote this the first night I slept without him and this is where I will end this blog.....

The way the world quiets down a bit after 10 is so comforting when your mind is doing nothing but screaming, crying, begging.
Hoping for some light.
Hoping for some release.
Missing him is a different kind of pain. Missing him makes everything feel so empty and long, at that same time.
Maybe that the sounds and voices in your own mind and heart aren't the only ones begging to be set free.
I feel so safe with him. I feel at home with him. In a hotel room in Michigan City, for a family vacation, or my very own bed, he feels like home.
The love that you learn to accumulate for someone else is sometimes difficult if the we rent once a part of you, if they weren't once growing inside of you.
Loving someone and learning to love someone different that yourself is a task in itself but oh, once that love is fund an conquered. Or rather stumble upon, its so uplifting. It feels as if you can fly with no fear of falling. It feels uncomfortable, heartbreaking and amazing.
You feel invincible, yet so fragile.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Change is What Helps the World Move Forward

This past few months have been a whirlwind of emotion, love, stress, paper work, and did I mention love?

Scarlet will be 16 months on the second.. Where did the time go? She started walking right around a month ago and she's doing SOO good. I'm so proud of her and her human legs. She has to be the smartest most beautiful girl I know. I keep saying, she's got her daddy's smarts and her momma's looks, she's going to dominate the world.
These past two months, though, I've been working on getting approved for Scarlet and I's first apartment. This morning  I signed the correct paperwork and have my keys in hand for our apartment. It's so perfect for Scarlet and I. It's a small 2 bedroom 1.5 bath but it's perfect for us. I'm so happy she and I can finally actually unpack. For me it's been working on two years of couch hopping and every few months finding somewhere new to stay. Now? We're home.
Such an amazing feeling that most people take for granted.
A home. A steady place to lay your head and just spread out in.

Joseph and I are doing really well. We've been working on building our relationship to where we need  it to be again. We've had quite a few speed bumps but I'm hopeful that if we're both willing to try, that we'll come out just fine in the end.

This is my finial week at Health Markets, I started my other job at Wake Side Marine a few weeks back and Health Markets is beginning to not work out so I'm moving to other opportunities but not burning bridges. Silas and I both agreed that this wasn't working but that he still wanted to keep me around for side jobs like helping filing at his home and mailers and stuff like that.

I also started my sleeve a few months back as well, only two pieces but it's getting there, and with my baby arms they will be full in no time. On my forearm I have a Hamsa Hand, which is pretty much a form of protection, it helps bring the owner happiness, luck, health, and good fortune, and on my wrist next to my little heart, I put the word Time, to just simply remind myself that everything takes time.

When you think the world is out to get you, and you feel like not getting out of bed or just giving up. Just remind yourself that every heartbreak, every bad day and every thing that goes "wrong" in your life, is just getting you ready for a blessing.


Feeling amazing.
xoxo

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Christmas is in the air FINALLY!

It's amazing and finally December and we have only had one really good now this season thus far. With threats of snow, yet nothing stinking unfortunately.
This Thanksgiving went as expected with the love of my life. I spent my Thanksgiving with my Joseph and Scarlet, balancing the holiday between mine and his families. I didn't know how much I was missing not having a person I truly care about for the holidays. I LOVED splitting my holiday.
The love I have for this amazing man honestly makes my mind spin. He is currently not been with me  this week but Scarlet, Amanda and I have been watching over the house to make sure it's okay. I've talked to him daily, and he seems okay, just ready to come home to us.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, from what I've heard, and I've never QUITE believed this until I've had to experience it this week.
Being in love is such a wonderful feeling. And being in love with your best friend? It's like you're on cloud nine.
Now I finally have my desk at the store front at my insurance job and I love it. I quit Hooters because making $45 for a 9hr shift is so unacceptable. I'm an hourly babe. Serving isn't my thing I guess.

I'm tired and have writers block.

xoxox

Monday, September 28, 2015

The feelings abundant

Sitting here at lunch at work I'm trying my hardest to keep a positive vibe and it's getting harder and harder as the days and the minutes go by.. The night it all happened keeps replaying in my mind and I can't seem to make it stop.. Its me either blog and get out my feelings or break down at work and no one has time for a emotional break down at work.
I'm trying to focus on the positive things in my life like Scarlet growing and my two amazing jobs. There is only really so much a woman can take without breaking..
My body is sore. My mind is exhausted and emotions are drained.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Chilly, Dewy mornings

They have always been a sign that Fall is in the air.
Waking up, sipping my coffee and looking out into the chilly morning air, hearing the gallop of the horses in the neighbor's yard, you can't help but just feel happy about the changing of the season. Yes, almost everyone I know who lives here in Northern Indiana bitches, moans and complains when it starts to get cold, but moving from home and living in Florida for a few years honestly has made me realize how thankful I am for the season change. Florida is such a monotonous state, it's either too hot, or raining.. Don't get me wrong being able to be in a bikini almost year round was amazing! But me, personally? I love the snow. It brings out a happiness that starts form my belly and just kind of takes over..
I remember my first snow last year; It was November and I was at my boyfriend at the time's house. I just sat at the window and watched it all fall ever so eloquently.. I was pregnant at the time but it was so magical to just see how gracefully it just fluttered and gently coated the ground. Oye! I can't wait for the chillier weather and the snow!
Scarlet will be walking by the time the snow falls and I'm so excited to be able to take her outside and play in the snow with her! I still can't wrap my head around how she'll be 9 months next Friday.. Where in the hell did the time go? Being that wonderful little girl's mommy has to be my favorite job. I kind of feel like my mom in that aspect; I love being a mom, and if I do say so myself, I'm getting pretty good at it! I'm honestly looking forward for another one in the future.
*side note* I can hear Scarlet snoring downstairs and I'm upstairs in the kitchen...........
I'm going to try and get some studying in before my baby girl wakes up; I'm trying my hardest to get this Insurance License, it's defiantly not easy.




'on my grind'
xoxoxo

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Amongst the Rubble

there's always a flower,
there always is a sunshine,
there always is a light at the end of a tunnel,
and there always is a positive side to everything,

The past month has been kind of a weird, kind of a rough month. I am now working TWO very well paying jobs and taking care of my Scarlet. I'm working as an Assistant at an insurance company by day and by night *and weekends* I'm a Hooter's Girl. It's weird how I get fired from one job that doesn't pay well and treats their employees poorly, to two amazing opportunities. I'll be making enough money to have a house for Scarlet and I here in the VERY soon future. The simple fact that I'm even able to afford our own place is so exciting and just inciting to be as successful as possible.. Yes, I will inevitably miss something with Scarlet's development but being that she's crawling and starting to pull herself up on stuff; the next thing is walking but she's just now starting to 'truck' while crawling so we've got a little bit.
Scarlet is almost 9 months old I really can't believe she graced my life almost 9 months ago.. It feels like just yesterday she was born. She's such a wonderful blessing. She makes me feel like I have the whole world sitting on my lap *where she is currently*. She is the reason behind everything I do. She got to see her daddy in Chicago when he graduated Navy boot camp and we Skype as often as possible. I know he misses her.. I can see it in his face when we Skype and SnapChat. I really am grateful he's her dad. He's a wonderful young man.
In the regards of relationships; Joseph and I, as of right this second are "on a break" - his choice, not mine. And I'm not quite sure what a weeks worth of 'thinking' can do if your mind is already made up but for him; I'm willing to wait. We're talking tonight as adults and we'll see if I'll be giving his key back or really whats going on.. I hope he's not going anywhere but I can at least say proudly I didn't do a single thing wrong in the relationship except allow my heart to feel things I've never allowed it to feel. I let my walls crumble and my heart to fly.. So that's that.

Amongst the rubble of my confusing and chaotic life I do still have a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I learned where you should replace "I don't have time" with "It's not a priority" it brings everything into view. You should try it.. It makes a difference.

With a wall of a thousand hopes;
xoxoxoxoxo

Sunday, August 23, 2015

He replied "I want to love you"

It's amazing to me and blows my mind how much love is gifted to you when you just begin to accept what the universe gives you.
Scarlet is already pushing eight months.. Can you believe it? This little gift of life has been on this fucked up world for 33 weeks! She's sitting up all by herself *with help* and loves to stand.. *also with help*. We have this blanket we put on the ground for her to play on, now? She claims the whole floor. She's crawling backwards and saying Mama and Dada. She's got two teeth poppin through too! B is in the Navy and graduating boot camp here in a few short weeks. Scar is going.. Mommy is not. I don't feel it's my place to go to his graduation.


This man.. Joseph Carper has opened my eyes to so much.. He's making me feel as if there IS a person on this earth that will understand me, my mood swings, my way of talking, my trying to be funny, who will accept me and my daughter as a package. He makes me feel so wonderful and so comfortable with our relationship. We both haven't had someone to call our boy/girlfriend in quite some time and I'm thankful he's mine. He loves and accepts my Scarlet and wants a future with both of us. He wants a FUTURE not just a few month thing.. He wants me/us for the foreseeable future. I honestly can't wrap my head around our relationship.. Yes it's unorthodox how we ended up together but I feel like he entered my life at the most perfect time. He's so unexpected the majority of the time.. The way he makes me feel and the way he looks at me the majority of the time amazes me. It makes me think 'How did I get so lucky?'. I think it every day.. I wonder if he thinks that.. I'm not going to lie, my feelings for him scare the shit out of me. Yesterday he said "I just want you to love me".. little does he know.. I'm more than halfway there.



This past Monday I got my Wisdom Teeth out.. I much rather would have had another baby then to freaking go through that stupid shit again.
This post is short and sweet.. I've kinda got writers block..
with love
xoxo