Friday, December 5, 2014

Sometimes keeping your head up is just what you need to do

It's been a roller coaster the past month.
The happiness I found a month ago was taken from me far too quickly, and caused me to kind of have a downward spiral into my depression. For some reason the short time I was with him, made me feel like everything was going to be okay. He made me believe that he wanted to help with Scarlet and be a part of her life and then up and leaves to go back to his ex. Now, with me chasing him, I'm no longer good enough. I really don't think that I will ever understand how men's minds work. Another thing I really and truly don't understand; we were together for a few short weeks yet I grew so very attached to him.
My depression, as I mentioned before has been fully taking charge in my life lately. Trying to stay positive when I am now out of a job, no longer have a man in our lives, and are in reality out of a home, it's really discouraging. I talked to my doctor about my depression she said all of the things I already know to do to help fight my depression and then suggested for me to go talk to someone about whats going on *like a therapist*. What do I tell him/her? I'm a 19 year old single mother who really just wants to be loved and shown affection but can't seem to be good enough for anyone or anything? How I'm terrified that I'm not going to be a good mother that will be able to provide for her daughter? How I'm scared that postpartum is going to kick me in the face and I wont be able to take care of her properly?
Why do I have such a dependability on men being in my life to make me happy? I don't understand why my mind works like this.
Scarlet is doing okay still, I hope. My doctor told me that I'm measuring slightly smaller than I should be so she scheduled an ultrasound for my next doctors appointment to make sure everything is still going okay. I'm not gonna lie, it most definitely is making me worry about how she's growing in there.. I just want to be told everything is going fabulously and that my daughter is healthy inside me. I mean but I need to stay positive about her health because she really is all I have. It's just Scarlet and I against the world.
Today I am 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant and getting ever so uncomfortable. 

Trying my hardest to be a hopeful mommy
xo


P.s. I guess my title of my blog is fairly relevant to my life, huh?

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Always lead with your heart

And when you're pregnant.. Your tummy. Today is 31 weeks and 3 days in my pregnancy.. And I'm finally starting to show. I feel her move all of the time and even though sometimes it's aggravating, it's amazing to know that I'm making life inside of me..
I've been working alot lately and I'm oddly okay with it. The pay sucks really bad but you know what? I'm finally making some money and I'll be able to pay off my debts.
Many good things have been happening in my life the past few weeks and I dont want jinx them or I'd say what's going on..
Scarlet and I have a doctor appointment this week Wednesday. I'll be posting a picture of my belly this Wednesday (which will be 32 weeks) I cant believe I only have roughly 8 weeks to get my shit in gear..

With so much love.
xoxo

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Five Years

Today was the first time I've seen snow in 5 years and I couldn't have had a more fabulous day. I woke up to snow coming down and coffee brewing. The past few weeks have been stressful yet eye opening. Realizing I have people here for me that actually want me around and truly care for me and my daughter, it's so refreshing. I work 28 hours in 3 days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) and honestly havnt been more content. Money isn't all that great but it will pay my bills *and debts*. 
I've noticed my outlook on most everything has changed so drastically the past few weeks and it's refreshing. 
I'm so thankful. 

With a hopeful and a thankful soul. 
Xoxoxo

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Some People

Some people work out all of the time and have progression pictures as to how fit they are becoming, these are my progression pictures with my darling Scarlet May. Oh, by the way! IT'S A GIRL! In order these pictures go as follows; 22 Weeks, 22 Weeks 5 Days, 23 Weeks, 24 Weeks 5 Days, 25 Weeks and 26 Weeks. They're kind of sporadic but I'll start doing them weekly so we don't have random days on the progression pictures. She is growing well according to the doctors and I'm gaining enough weight so that's awesome. I'm STILL looking for a job that will hire me being so pregnant I never realized how much people discriminate pregnant women. I'm trying to keep my head up and my mind positive but every time something good happens, something or someone crushes all of my positive vibes I'm trying so desperately to keep up. I'm just thankful that I have a happy healthy baby inside me that kicks me so very often. I really cannot wait to meet her. I know it's all just a rough patch and that Scarlet and I, at the end of the tunnel, will see a light.
I've been at the the library the past three days in hopes that I will get swarms of interview calls and I've only had one. I just really need to keep my head up and think positively.

It's crazy how the moments that you need your best friends are the moments they're pissed at you and want nothing to do with you. Being told that pretty much nothing you're doing is right and that I'm illequipped.. Yes I know I'm illequipped.. Thank you for reminding me. It's fine I really am use to doing much of everything on my own. Why make this any different?
I really can't wait to meet this beautiful girl inside of me. I think she will completely rock my world and several different ways, some may be good, some may be bad. I'm so excited to see what the future has in store for us.


xoxo
trying so very hard to stay positive.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Welcome September

Everyone loves the upcoming months here in the Midwest, the sweaters, the tall socks and boots start coming back out of storage. (The cute boots, the ones you wouldn't dare to wear in snow) I feel like it's been such a long time since I've seen September or any of the cold, wonderful winter months. The past few years I've been in Florida for these wonderful months. No changing of the leaves, no real gradual cool off, it's hot as shit one day, and freezing cold the next. Here in the Midwest it's so wonderful and gradual, the leaves start falling, the grass starts dying and spirits are reluctant to give up the warmth yet are hopeful for Christmas and New Years.
You see, I am very excited for the winter months, the further we get into the winter months the closer I get to meet my baby (January 14). I say bring on the cold! It's been so long since I've seen snow or the leaves change color I'm anxious to see the change!
Slowly everything is working to get into place. I have a job at Zumiez, its this cute little surf shop in the mall. All of my paper work for Medicaid is turned in and I'm just waiting for the government to get their ass in gear and approve it so I can get into the doctor! I've applied for a few housing apartments and I'm anxious to sleep in my own bed.
Baby News; Well baby is being very very active in there. I make it a point to talk and rub my belly every day. It's honestly amazing talking to your belly and your baby kicking you after you say something. It's such a great feeling that baby hasn't even met you yet and baby knows that you're mommy and you're the best thing since pumpkin pie (the feeling is COMPLEATLY mutual).
Spiritual News; My dear friend Carrie Ford has opened my eyes to a lot since being home and being reunited with her. I've been learning about Auras, Shakras, Pendulum Readings and different energies that different things carry like stones. I've invested in 3 things to help with my personal aura and energy; I have a stick of sage to help get rid of any negative energies in the apartment (and my body), I have a pendulum to help me communicate with my Spirit Guides and the Universe, and I have a bracelet made of Moon Stone and Onyx. Moon Stone is to help with pregnancy. and Onyx is to help ward any negative. Upon asking Carrie's pendulum who my Spirit Guides are, we saw that Matthew DeFreeuw, my late cousin who took his like at a young age is one of my Guides and knowing that made me feel so amazing to know that he's been with me even though we weren't as close as I once hoped that we'd be.
I think that this is all I need to report on, baby is kicking and I'm beginning to realize I'm getting hungry (when am I not nowadays)


With love and hope.
xoxo

Thursday, August 7, 2014

I feel that everything just keeps changing

I moved home a week ago, (home meaning Indiana) and I honestly couldn't be happier. I have my family back and the only thing I'm missing right now is a job and a place to call my own. I have to pretty much restart completely and it's stressful but I think I'm up for the challenge.. I told myself that if I don't have a job in a week that something's wrong but if we're thinking about this logically a week is a really short time to get a job and an apartment.. But on the other hand I've been out of work for going on three weeks and I'm running low on funds and I'm beginning to freak out a bit.. I've never been out of work for so long I'm starting to get restless..
Today is one of those days that you just sit and listen to the rain and watch sappy movies but today I'm taking today by the balls and applying for Medicaid, WIC, Government Aid, I'm also looking for low income housing and a Job.. I believe I'll be in the library for a little bit but I want to get this stuff done so I can start my own life here already..
Baby is doing great and I'm actually starting to show a bit.. But being that I've always been so tiny its really not that surprising that I'm starting to show, It's not a big bump but it's a little something something and it's kind of cute.. Next week would have been baby's third check-up but I don't think that it's going to happen this week.. I hope that everything is okay in there.. I'm sure it is, baby and I have been eating so well here and there's just so much love that people have for baby already it's honestly just amazing.. Aunt Emmy was so excited to see me and hear about baby and I'm so glad to have her back in my life..


well, back to getting back on my feet!




With Wishful Thinking and a Growing Baby Bump

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

More changes

I know that it's been a while since I've blogged. A lot has changed in my life. Recently I found out I am pregnant and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and entering my second trimester of my pregnancy. My life was turned upsidown when I found out I was pregnant. The past few weeks has been a roller coaster ride but I wouldn't have had it any other way (other than the baby daddy drama). I've been searching for a new job, new apartment, new roommate, I'm trying to get into school for a career in fashion merchising and now things for a baby. I'm freaked out I'm a momma but honestly I'm happy. It's weird to know that I have a baby inside of me at the young age of 19 but this baby happened for a reason (other than me being a horney teenager).

I already have a game plan for us; mommy is going to school and when baby is around one maybe two and depending on how school is going and how money is coming in, baby and I are moving to New York. I can get a good job at a magazine and just give baby the life I've always wanted. 

Everything revolves around this little fruit inside my tummy and I'm learning to be less selfiesh and it's refreshing. 


With so much love.