Thursday, December 3, 2015

Christmas is in the air FINALLY!

It's amazing and finally December and we have only had one really good now this season thus far. With threats of snow, yet nothing stinking unfortunately.
This Thanksgiving went as expected with the love of my life. I spent my Thanksgiving with my Joseph and Scarlet, balancing the holiday between mine and his families. I didn't know how much I was missing not having a person I truly care about for the holidays. I LOVED splitting my holiday.
The love I have for this amazing man honestly makes my mind spin. He is currently not been with me  this week but Scarlet, Amanda and I have been watching over the house to make sure it's okay. I've talked to him daily, and he seems okay, just ready to come home to us.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, from what I've heard, and I've never QUITE believed this until I've had to experience it this week.
Being in love is such a wonderful feeling. And being in love with your best friend? It's like you're on cloud nine.
Now I finally have my desk at the store front at my insurance job and I love it. I quit Hooters because making $45 for a 9hr shift is so unacceptable. I'm an hourly babe. Serving isn't my thing I guess.

I'm tired and have writers block.


Monday, September 28, 2015

The feelings abundant

Sitting here at lunch at work I'm trying my hardest to keep a positive vibe and it's getting harder and harder as the days and the minutes go by.. The night it all happened keeps replaying in my mind and I can't seem to make it stop.. Its me either blog and get out my feelings or break down at work and no one has time for a emotional break down at work.
I'm trying to focus on the positive things in my life like Scarlet growing and my two amazing jobs. There is only really so much a woman can take without breaking..
My body is sore. My mind is exhausted and emotions are drained.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Chilly, Dewy mornings

They have always been a sign that Fall is in the air.
Waking up, sipping my coffee and looking out into the chilly morning air, hearing the gallop of the horses in the neighbor's yard, you can't help but just feel happy about the changing of the season. Yes, almost everyone I know who lives here in Northern Indiana bitches, moans and complains when it starts to get cold, but moving from home and living in Florida for a few years honestly has made me realize how thankful I am for the season change. Florida is such a monotonous state, it's either too hot, or raining.. Don't get me wrong being able to be in a bikini almost year round was amazing! But me, personally? I love the snow. It brings out a happiness that starts form my belly and just kind of takes over..
I remember my first snow last year; It was November and I was at my boyfriend at the time's house. I just sat at the window and watched it all fall ever so eloquently.. I was pregnant at the time but it was so magical to just see how gracefully it just fluttered and gently coated the ground. Oye! I can't wait for the chillier weather and the snow!
Scarlet will be walking by the time the snow falls and I'm so excited to be able to take her outside and play in the snow with her! I still can't wrap my head around how she'll be 9 months next Friday.. Where in the hell did the time go? Being that wonderful little girl's mommy has to be my favorite job. I kind of feel like my mom in that aspect; I love being a mom, and if I do say so myself, I'm getting pretty good at it! I'm honestly looking forward for another one in the future.
*side note* I can hear Scarlet snoring downstairs and I'm upstairs in the kitchen...........
I'm going to try and get some studying in before my baby girl wakes up; I'm trying my hardest to get this Insurance License, it's defiantly not easy.

'on my grind'

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Amongst the Rubble

there's always a flower,
there always is a sunshine,
there always is a light at the end of a tunnel,
and there always is a positive side to everything,

The past month has been kind of a weird, kind of a rough month. I am now working TWO very well paying jobs and taking care of my Scarlet. I'm working as an Assistant at an insurance company by day and by night *and weekends* I'm a Hooter's Girl. It's weird how I get fired from one job that doesn't pay well and treats their employees poorly, to two amazing opportunities. I'll be making enough money to have a house for Scarlet and I here in the VERY soon future. The simple fact that I'm even able to afford our own place is so exciting and just inciting to be as successful as possible.. Yes, I will inevitably miss something with Scarlet's development but being that she's crawling and starting to pull herself up on stuff; the next thing is walking but she's just now starting to 'truck' while crawling so we've got a little bit.
Scarlet is almost 9 months old I really can't believe she graced my life almost 9 months ago.. It feels like just yesterday she was born. She's such a wonderful blessing. She makes me feel like I have the whole world sitting on my lap *where she is currently*. She is the reason behind everything I do. She got to see her daddy in Chicago when he graduated Navy boot camp and we Skype as often as possible. I know he misses her.. I can see it in his face when we Skype and SnapChat. I really am grateful he's her dad. He's a wonderful young man.
In the regards of relationships; Joseph and I, as of right this second are "on a break" - his choice, not mine. And I'm not quite sure what a weeks worth of 'thinking' can do if your mind is already made up but for him; I'm willing to wait. We're talking tonight as adults and we'll see if I'll be giving his key back or really whats going on.. I hope he's not going anywhere but I can at least say proudly I didn't do a single thing wrong in the relationship except allow my heart to feel things I've never allowed it to feel. I let my walls crumble and my heart to fly.. So that's that.

Amongst the rubble of my confusing and chaotic life I do still have a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I learned where you should replace "I don't have time" with "It's not a priority" it brings everything into view. You should try it.. It makes a difference.

With a wall of a thousand hopes;

Sunday, August 23, 2015

He replied "I want to love you"

It's amazing to me and blows my mind how much love is gifted to you when you just begin to accept what the universe gives you.
Scarlet is already pushing eight months.. Can you believe it? This little gift of life has been on this fucked up world for 33 weeks! She's sitting up all by herself *with help* and loves to stand.. *also with help*. We have this blanket we put on the ground for her to play on, now? She claims the whole floor. She's crawling backwards and saying Mama and Dada. She's got two teeth poppin through too! B is in the Navy and graduating boot camp here in a few short weeks. Scar is going.. Mommy is not. I don't feel it's my place to go to his graduation.

This man.. Joseph Carper has opened my eyes to so much.. He's making me feel as if there IS a person on this earth that will understand me, my mood swings, my way of talking, my trying to be funny, who will accept me and my daughter as a package. He makes me feel so wonderful and so comfortable with our relationship. We both haven't had someone to call our boy/girlfriend in quite some time and I'm thankful he's mine. He loves and accepts my Scarlet and wants a future with both of us. He wants a FUTURE not just a few month thing.. He wants me/us for the foreseeable future. I honestly can't wrap my head around our relationship.. Yes it's unorthodox how we ended up together but I feel like he entered my life at the most perfect time. He's so unexpected the majority of the time.. The way he makes me feel and the way he looks at me the majority of the time amazes me. It makes me think 'How did I get so lucky?'. I think it every day.. I wonder if he thinks that.. I'm not going to lie, my feelings for him scare the shit out of me. Yesterday he said "I just want you to love me".. little does he know.. I'm more than halfway there.

This past Monday I got my Wisdom Teeth out.. I much rather would have had another baby then to freaking go through that stupid shit again.
This post is short and sweet.. I've kinda got writers block..
with love

Friday, March 6, 2015

Life Evolving

It's already March and the weatherman is predicting a high of 50 this coming Wednesday. The promise of warmer weather in the near future is so hopeful. You can't help but walk with a bit more of a pep in your step. The idea of witnessing the changing of the season that I've missed the past 4 years I'm so excited for. I keep flashing back to my childhood with all the windows open in the house and the fresh spring air whipping around the house. It's so refreshing. There is no smell or feeling like spring!
Scarlet is already two months old and 9 pounds! She's growing so fast it's unbelievable, I feel every time she naps she wakes up bigger and better with more control of everything. She's starting to use her neck muscles more, which means she's starting to look around and absorb her wonderful world around her. She's still in a few of her newborn clothes but I'm okay with that because I know that size wise she will be smaller than most every other baby. She's perfect to me and as healthy as a horse and that's really all that matters. She's also starting to smile at me and honestly it warms my cold, brittle heart. I can't wait till she's a bit older and can hold her head up on her own and start rolling over and all of that jazz. I know, I know, I don't her to grow up too fast but those are going to be exciting days.
I started a new job at Coconut Tan, a local tanning salon and I really like it. I know that I'm making money for Scarlet and I and I can finally start paying my bills without any help. My separation anxiety hasn't really been all that bad. The first night of work I was so nervous and ready to get back to my baby, now, I'm okay. As horrible as this will sound, it's nice to get away for a while. I also think it's so much easier because I know I'm making money for us. I also am in cohorts with another job and he's already talking about a management opportunity so that would be suuuuper awesome, but I'll let yall know about that if and when that happens!

With a hopeful heart and wonderful daughter

Friday, January 9, 2015

A Whole New Beginning

"New Year, New Me" that is what everyone seems to rant and rave come the first of the year, every year with seldom any real change.
2014 was one hell of a year for me. It brought so much heartache, love and things to be thankful for I don't think we have enough time to even begin. I will, instead focus on the now, being that that IS all that matters anymore.
I brought in 2015 in on the best note I could have EVER asked for, but lets rewind and talk about the pregnancy. Come week 36 the doctors told me that I was considered a "High Risk Pregnancy" and that they'll "have to keep an eye on everything". What does that mean you ask? I was scheduled for an Ultrasound every week along with NSTs (Non-Stress Tests) to monitor Scarlet and make sure she's moving around okay, in my tummy and doing the things a baby that far along should be doing. On the day of my week 38 Ultrasound I was told they are going to have to induce me in the next three days and no longer.. I asked why and I was informed that Scarlet had stopped gaining weight and that she was actually losing weight and that there may be something wrong with the Amniotic Sac she's in. Inner Uterine Growth Restriction, that is what she was diagnosed with.. Obviously terrified and slightly excited I started calling and texting everyone saying SURPRISE! Well, while everyone else was busy being hungover or cleaning up after the party from New Years Eve the night before, I was on my way to the hospital, scheduled to be induced at 8:30 that morning.
It took almost a full 24 hours before she finally decided it was time to come out. 7:21 the morning of January 2nd, 2015 Scarlet May McLane all 5 Pounds and 18.5 Inches of her arrived in this bright and cold world and I fell utterly head over heals in love.
Loving a child is like a love I can't even begin to describe. It's like feeling the warm sun on your face after a bone chilling winter. It's like coming home after being away for some time.
I don't believe I have ever been so proud of something I've been a part of until I look at my beautiful daughter. She really is my everything and so much more. I really and truly can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.

With love and a hopeful mind