Sunday, August 23, 2015

He replied "I want to love you"

It's amazing to me and blows my mind how much love is gifted to you when you just begin to accept what the universe gives you.
Scarlet is already pushing eight months.. Can you believe it? This little gift of life has been on this fucked up world for 33 weeks! She's sitting up all by herself *with help* and loves to stand.. *also with help*. We have this blanket we put on the ground for her to play on, now? She claims the whole floor. She's crawling backwards and saying Mama and Dada. She's got two teeth poppin through too! B is in the Navy and graduating boot camp here in a few short weeks. Scar is going.. Mommy is not. I don't feel it's my place to go to his graduation.

This man.. Joseph Carper has opened my eyes to so much.. He's making me feel as if there IS a person on this earth that will understand me, my mood swings, my way of talking, my trying to be funny, who will accept me and my daughter as a package. He makes me feel so wonderful and so comfortable with our relationship. We both haven't had someone to call our boy/girlfriend in quite some time and I'm thankful he's mine. He loves and accepts my Scarlet and wants a future with both of us. He wants a FUTURE not just a few month thing.. He wants me/us for the foreseeable future. I honestly can't wrap my head around our relationship.. Yes it's unorthodox how we ended up together but I feel like he entered my life at the most perfect time. He's so unexpected the majority of the time.. The way he makes me feel and the way he looks at me the majority of the time amazes me. It makes me think 'How did I get so lucky?'. I think it every day.. I wonder if he thinks that.. I'm not going to lie, my feelings for him scare the shit out of me. Yesterday he said "I just want you to love me".. little does he know.. I'm more than halfway there.

This past Monday I got my Wisdom Teeth out.. I much rather would have had another baby then to freaking go through that stupid shit again.
This post is short and sweet.. I've kinda got writers block..

with love

Monday, June 15, 2015

Only 4 Months Late?


Life has gotten slowly but slowly wonderful again, and not even with a man in it. I found my self worth again and it feels amazing.
I'm now working two jobs *Coconut Tan and Focus Cleaning Solutions*. By day I'm a tannin consultant, by night I'm cleaning office buildings. Money is good. I'm living back with my parents and its not the most ideal situation but I'm loving living wit my mom and Mike. They both adore Scarlet and Daniel I feel doesn't know how to feel with Scarlet.. Amazing what a few months can do to your mind set and the size of your spawn. Scarlet is 5 and a half months old and becoming such a little human.. I can't believe she is almost a half a year old.
She turned over all by her self the other night and has been working on doing it continuously. She is getting so spunky and just so big.. I would say a weight but I honestly have no clue how much her chubby little butt is weighing now a days.
Brendan has been such a wonderful baby daddy. It's amazing how much they love each other already. When it's his weekend it's wonderful to get pictures of them together just enjoying each and every second. When it's his weekend, I'm not going to lie it's pretty hard and I miss her but it's nice to have me time.
She is the happiest baby I've yet to meet!
If I'm being honest; I love being a mommy and I can't for another one.. Maybe two.. But I also want to be in a steady relationship and hopefully engaged by then. When ever the universe decides its time; I'll be ready, I'm sure.. I wasn't ready for this one and I'm loving it so much. I work my ass off to provide for us both and it sucks that I will inevitably miss something with Scarlet but as long as we're provided for I guess that's what I get when I'm the one who is "Bringing home the bacon".
In the world of dating; Well.. I'm learning what I deserve and will no longer accept anything less.. I gave my all to this guy who made lies to go and be by himself.. I wish him the best and will be here for him if he ever needs any help but romantically? he and I will never be again.. It kinda sucks because I thought for sure he was the one.. I thought I was done dating.. Then he makes up some bogus ass lie.. oh well.. I'm waiting patiently to have the guy who will stick around for longer than a month.
School; I've decided that I WILL be returning to school for psychology. Maybe a Social Worker or just someone to help people with addiction problems.. I guess it's just a matter of time and money when it comes to that.. I want to help people and still have a career that will help with Scarlet.
Tattoos; I'm finally starting my sleeve because I have the money right now. I'm starting with my shoulder with Scarlet and I's birth flowers *Carnation & Rose*. I am also getting 'Fight off your demons' on my forearm. I'm so excited to start my sleeve.
OH! I went on my first ever motorcycle ride with a friend of mine, Joe! It was soooooo much fun!! It definitely made me realize that I want a bike fairly bad, they're just so freeing. I also met some amazing people on the ride!

On to bigger and better things..
With so much love.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Life Evolving

It's already March and the weatherman is predicting a high of 50 this coming Wednesday. The promise of warmer weather in the near future is so hopeful. You can't help but walk with a bit more of a pep in your step. The idea of witnessing the changing of the season that I've missed the past 4 years I'm so excited for. I keep flashing back to my childhood with all the windows open in the house and the fresh spring air whipping around the house. It's so refreshing. There is no smell or feeling like spring!
Scarlet is already two months old and 9 pounds! She's growing so fast it's unbelievable, I feel every time she naps she wakes up bigger and better with more control of everything. She's starting to use her neck muscles more, which means she's starting to look around and absorb her wonderful world around her. She's still in a few of her newborn clothes but I'm okay with that because I know that size wise she will be smaller than most every other baby. She's perfect to me and as healthy as a horse and that's really all that matters. She's also starting to smile at me and honestly it warms my cold, brittle heart. I can't wait till she's a bit older and can hold her head up on her own and start rolling over and all of that jazz. I know, I know, I don't her to grow up too fast but those are going to be exciting days.
I started a new job at Coconut Tan, a local tanning salon and I really like it. I know that I'm making money for Scarlet and I and I can finally start paying my bills without any help. My separation anxiety hasn't really been all that bad. The first night of work I was so nervous and ready to get back to my baby, now, I'm okay. As horrible as this will sound, it's nice to get away for a while. I also think it's so much easier because I know I'm making money for us. I also am in cohorts with another job and he's already talking about a management opportunity so that would be suuuuper awesome, but I'll let yall know about that if and when that happens!

With a hopeful heart and wonderful daughter

Friday, January 9, 2015

A Whole New Beginning

"New Year, New Me" that is what everyone seems to rant and rave come the first of the year, every year with seldom any real change.
2014 was one hell of a year for me. It brought so much heartache, love and things to be thankful for I don't think we have enough time to even begin. I will, instead focus on the now, being that that IS all that matters anymore.
I brought in 2015 in on the best note I could have EVER asked for, but lets rewind and talk about the pregnancy. Come week 36 the doctors told me that I was considered a "High Risk Pregnancy" and that they'll "have to keep an eye on everything". What does that mean you ask? I was scheduled for an Ultrasound every week along with NSTs (Non-Stress Tests) to monitor Scarlet and make sure she's moving around okay, in my tummy and doing the things a baby that far along should be doing. On the day of my week 38 Ultrasound I was told they are going to have to induce me in the next three days and no longer.. I asked why and I was informed that Scarlet had stopped gaining weight and that she was actually losing weight and that there may be something wrong with the Amniotic Sac she's in. Inner Uterine Growth Restriction, that is what she was diagnosed with.. Obviously terrified and slightly excited I started calling and texting everyone saying SURPRISE! Well, while everyone else was busy being hungover or cleaning up after the party from New Years Eve the night before, I was on my way to the hospital, scheduled to be induced at 8:30 that morning.
It took almost a full 24 hours before she finally decided it was time to come out. 7:21 the morning of January 2nd, 2015 Scarlet May McLane all 5 Pounds and 18.5 Inches of her arrived in this bright and cold world and I fell utterly head over heals in love.
Loving a child is like a love I can't even begin to describe. It's like feeling the warm sun on your face after a bone chilling winter. It's like coming home after being away for some time.
I don't believe I have ever been so proud of something I've been a part of until I look at my beautiful daughter. She really is my everything and so much more. I really and truly can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.

With love and a hopeful mind


Friday, December 5, 2014

Sometimes keeping your head up is just what you need to do

It's been a roller coaster the past month.
The happiness I found a month ago was taken from me far too quickly, and caused me to kind of have a downward spiral into my depression. For some reason the short time I was with him, made me feel like everything was going to be okay. He made me believe that he wanted to help with Scarlet and be a part of her life and then up and leaves to go back to his ex. Now, with me chasing him, I'm no longer good enough. I really don't think that I will ever understand how men's minds work. Another thing I really and truly don't understand; we were together for a few short weeks yet I grew so very attached to him.
My depression, as I mentioned before has been fully taking charge in my life lately. Trying to stay positive when I am now out of a job, no longer have a man in our lives, and are in reality out of a home, it's really discouraging. I talked to my doctor about my depression she said all of the things I already know to do to help fight my depression and then suggested for me to go talk to someone about whats going on *like a therapist*. What do I tell him/her? I'm a 19 year old single mother who really just wants to be loved and shown affection but can't seem to be good enough for anyone or anything? How I'm terrified that I'm not going to be a good mother that will be able to provide for her daughter? How I'm scared that postpartum is going to kick me in the face and I wont be able to take care of her properly?
Why do I have such a dependability on men being in my life to make me happy? I don't understand why my mind works like this.
Scarlet is doing okay still, I hope. My doctor told me that I'm measuring slightly smaller than I should be so she scheduled an ultrasound for my next doctors appointment to make sure everything is still going okay. I'm not gonna lie, it most definitely is making me worry about how she's growing in there.. I just want to be told everything is going fabulously and that my daughter is healthy inside me. I mean but I need to stay positive about her health because she really is all I have. It's just Scarlet and I against the world.
Today I am 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant and getting ever so uncomfortable. 

Trying my hardest to be a hopeful mommy

P.s. I guess my title of my blog is fairly relevant to my life, huh?

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Always lead with your heart

And when you're pregnant.. Your tummy. Today is 31 weeks and 3 days in my pregnancy.. And I'm finally starting to show. I feel her move all of the time and even though sometimes it's aggravating, it's amazing to know that I'm making life inside of me..
I've been working alot lately and I'm oddly okay with it. The pay sucks really bad but you know what? I'm finally making some money and I'll be able to pay off my debts.
Many good things have been happening in my life the past few weeks and I dont want jinx them or I'd say what's going on..
Scarlet and I have a doctor appointment this week Wednesday. I'll be posting a picture of my belly this Wednesday (which will be 32 weeks) I cant believe I only have roughly 8 weeks to get my shit in gear..

With so much love.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Five Years

Today was the first time I've seen snow in 5 years and I couldn't have had a more fabulous day. I woke up to snow coming down and coffee brewing. The past few weeks have been stressful yet eye opening. Realizing I have people here for me that actually want me around and truly care for me and my daughter, it's so refreshing. I work 28 hours in 3 days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) and honestly havnt been more content. Money isn't all that great but it will pay my bills *and debts*. 
I've noticed my outlook on most everything has changed so drastically the past few weeks and it's refreshing. 
I'm so thankful. 

With a hopeful and a thankful soul.